Fumbling Mumbles

We are still the remaining people of a past that didn’t look too bright for them either but they found a way. Hi, I am who I am because you are and who you used to be. I am a reflection of the people whose birthrights were taken away so that I could keep mine. No, I am not a glorified posterchild, but I have found myself on walls that tried to take me down as if I didn’t deserve a chance to shine. I am light void of darkness because I am powerful and beautiful and more than enough.

I have fought for my right to belong in a place that told me that no matter what I did I would always need to prove myself. My home no longer looks familiar to me either because I have been gone so long I am probably a stranger to my own people. I guess I will never be worthy until I have the influence that allows me to be accepted everywhere I go. It is a money game, without it we are nothing. Its a jungle out here and only the rich survive. It’s funny how I just find myself always trying to fit in somewhere, always trying to be worthy. It really is hard accepting that I can be good enough, I lay awake at night, kept up by the boxes of confined spaces that my real self is left in.

I don’t know how I am expected to breath in small unforgiving spaces but I have been told all I have to do is stand up and walk away. I got tired of fighting at some point, lost my moral inclination to be better and to keep on keeping on but I guess I am over that now. Let’s get back to fighting for a place in the world, as a great man once said “Power, REAL power isn’t given, its taken”let’s take back what is ours.

I have started a new series called “ZAVAY”, I personally love it, so far it only has two works in it but I love the first one so much and I just connect to it in a way I can’t explain. Plus I think I just really love the word zavay, because I was sick of using English in my series titles and I really needed something and this is what I got. Zavay, arg it just makes me so happy saying it but without further much to do here is the first piece:

ZAVAY 1

Castrated judgements born and bred in the heart of frustrations, stranded in the heat of moments negated to nowhere. Oblivious to the impending glum of doom gone wrong and storms stuck in the clouds. Glued up clues to skies that can’t reach the stars, we are statused to a life of crimson happiness only the rich can afford.

Casting our costs of crates piled up in dirt, it’s dangerous to shame the name of trumped-up beings with no sense. In a field of peppered pot plants driven out by the sweet scent of poison, it’s the ivy leagues that survive. Its a place of death this, it can’t taste the budding bundles of killers it produces.

Concealed spikes craving candid explanations of sin trips not taken. Punished sentries failing to polish their furnished border. Its borderline insanity that leads to formalized judgements of negated thoughts.

Stuck on runaways while running away to seek a stranded safety only islands can provide. Its a failed load on roads with no future prospects. Perspectives can be personalized if only you are willing to bear the brunt of the burden of worn down thoughts.

Dare to be, dare to become….. Become.

African child

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Muttering of a King 2

I have for a long time felt that I operate better when I am not myself. For a long time, I struggled with that feeling, because the only thing that had made me not myself was the use of marijuana and I didn’t want to go back down that road. The second option was alcohol and for so long I resisted the urge to go to the bottle store and get myself a bottle. I struggled until I couldn’t anymore because, towards the end of 2017, I started drinking. My life was already spiralling out of control and it didn’t seem like the worst thing to happen.

Bioplus (energy booster) was another thing that made me not to feel like myself. There are a lot of decisions I made during my intoxication with Bioplus. I wouldn’t say I am now perfect and have let go of all these because its only been 2 weeks since my last alcoholic drink. disappointing I know. Today I bought another energy booster because I haven’t been able to work and as much as I don’t want to rely on something like this. it just feels like this is a sacrifice that I have to make now, for the sake of finishing the work in front of me. I just hope that my body can forgive me and that God does not look down on me in disappointment for failing to hold it together.

The third poem in the Mutterings series was written after I received a rejection letter from a job application. I had really wanted that job and was really hurt to get an “unfortunately we have decided to go with someone else” email. I was hurt yes, but I know that God has a plan for me and I had to hold on to that otherwise I will lose hope completely.
MUTTERINGS 3

My soul salivates in anguish at the non-existent possibilities my imagination can’t help but create. Burning its permanence like a tattoo, this cauldron of expectation waits patiently albeit reluctantly for its presentation. Hoping the skies fall down to meet the point of revered grounds man whose only sin has been to crush the hands that reached for the stars.

Search now not the cold of heated moments stuck in time. Find later, yes the hot frequencies of snowed in conceptions bred from the wrongs of a youth who showed no mercy. Shower away the dirt of an impending mindset, wash down the disappointments with a pinch of acid and clean out the fires that protected the self-conditioned masks.

Make sure your insecurities are insured, the pandemonium caused by the leaks of their poison needs to be reigned in. Rain on the conspicuous abilities of some bodies to grinch on your parades. It sucks now dry the last drop of fear s enemy, hope, and minds its own business as if we both didn’t create the ideas of an ideal world that would satisfy our desires.

My soul salivates in drenched up dreams and nightmares that all look the same. I burn at the sensation of another not now but I am watered down by the promises of a maker that plans for me.

African Child

Releasing my words.

So today I have been thinking more and more about all of the times that I have broken down this year. I have found myself looking for something because there have been moments where I have just been utterly broken, to the point where I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, nothing made sense and it was just a horrible horrible experience. It is something that I can’t wish upon anyone.

Looking back now, I see that I have been through a lot. I have gone through so much and my struggles are not the same as the next person and they wouldn’t make sense to anyone else, the same way they make sense to me but that’s ok too. It’s not supposed to be the same for everyone we are all not supposed to experience the same thing and I’m fine with that.

I’m at a point where right now I’m preparing for the next stage so I’m preparing for what comes next in terms of my life, in terms of where God wants me to be and that’s something that I never thought I’d see again. That’s because during the first six months I lost my faith, I lost it completely and just lost my way as well as I was trying to figure out what I’m gonna do it my life if my life was even worth living. So to see where I am now and how far I’ve come to a point where I can pray, I can read the Bible and I can feel like God actually is listening to me and cares for me, that’s that’s a feeling I never thought I’d experience again.

I don’t know whether it was a rebellion or just a kid who didn’t know better. I look at the poetry I was writing during that time and I was so lost so so lost. Essentially I had lost my life. This is also during a time where I am president of an entire society and I’m expected to be a leader but I just found it funny that I couldn’t hide it anymore. Couldn’t hide my brokenness. There was a point where I got so tired of having to be strong out there and weak in here so I just didn’t pretend anymore and that’s the time where I feel like I just let go for my responsibilities, just saying stuff it honestly stuff it, what does it matter anymore.

One aspect that I have truly truly considered is that last year I had a target of getting 10 friends December 2017. I wanted to have 10 friends, not acquaintances, friends and I’ve never really counted but I think if I was too, I’d probably say I reached two or three. This year I didn’t have that plan, I didn’t think about it and I’m here now and I’m thinking of the people that I have to let go and they were a necessary, I don’t wanna say evil, but a necessary evil. It sucks I am sitting in my room right now, at 487 Richard Street I don’t know where you’re reading this from you know but on this morning now of 9 October 2018, we are sitting here not sure of what we’re going through because it is all a big mess, everything is just a big mess. It started again when I came back yesterday from Joburg and I don’t know what this place is doing to me *sigh* I don’t know what it’s doing to me.

 

Unoshamisa

Muttering of a King

God didn’t say this year was going to be easy and the last couple of days, I have been enlightened to a decision that I have to take in order to move on to the next level. It was never meant to be easy I know because if it was then it would not result in a testimony. I have to cut off a friend because she is not good for me anymore, probably never has been and I just didn’t want to see it until the signs became too much. I loved the comfort she provided, the comfort to lay bare my sins before her and know that she is listening but not really. Nothing I did or told would result in her judgement and same applied for her.

How can anyone expect to grow in such an environment? Where we are both comfortable in our sons and do not rebuke each other or dissuade each other from the bad stuff because we are just so deep in it. How can such a friendship produce any good fruit?

I am not judging her but I am looking at myself and realising that my growth depends on me taking a hard look at this friendship and the Prophet said yesterday (Friday 29 Sept 2018) that a new level is coming and if you do not cut off those friends you love so much then you will stay the same. I can’t afford to stay the same, I can’t afford the luxury of just being ordinary, it has to be avoided at all costs.

So I have lost a friend, just like my last post not to death but to life and today I wrote 2 poems in a series I am titling “Mutterings” and I couldn’t even finish the second one because it was about her and it does hurt knowing that I won’t rely on her anymore, so I only managed a paragraph and had to stop. But do enjoy the first poem in the series and hopefully if God will give me the grace I can then continue with the second one.

MUTTERINGS 1

Segregated salutations of mortal beings that know not the effects of separation. Bound to bonds of breakable chains whose sweetness comes from its mirror-like qualities, giving the ability to see but not believe. We aren’t strangers to the condition of constipated individuals whose selfishness knows no bounds, no we are merely pawns whose ability to checkmate has been taken away.

We derive meaning from the less than savoury taste buds of those who have never tasted the sweet nectar of freedom. We chase after the unseen as if we have known it to exist. We conjure up mysteries and make believe the dreams of children whose only desire is to see the light. Do we really really also desire that do we really desire the light, or have we accepted that dark and gloomy is our perfect reality.

We resign the acceptance of anguish in tied up assets whose assistance to the mockery of our existence we disband. Disarming the very truth we fought for in times when fighting was attractive and killing was an honour. To the ends of regurgitating violence whose presence we can’t do without, oh if only it knew the joy it brings us, watching the pain of others as it chokes them and frees our muscles to enjoy this wonderful occasion.

Trapping straps of scrap we make still the waters’ wrath. Seeking wealth in stealth intentions, imprisoning sense in the scent of deception we allow the reception of a one-way door.

MUTTERINGS 2

Twisting knives in the back of a humid summer body that shouldn’t have trusted it’s whisperings into the day. It’s not a surprise that you live now in my foresight because I can’t bring myself to see the weapons you hold right now.

I am left speechless at the moments of delicacy that left you joined to me. In weakness, it was the downplayed sins that made us feel like we were on top of the world. In the greed of passions unknown and territories not yet discovered, I sought to learn from my new test subject a new language, one that would destroy me but I couldn’t think of a better way to go.

We engaged in order of preference to mindless games that played both you and me before we could walk away. We danced to the rhythm of a beat that we couldn’t hear and ended up off key with two left feet. Like idiots, we entertained the ideas of grand luxury for a price we couldn’t pay.

Our road ends here and with it, so too do the midnight walks protecting us from the monsters we made and the late night talks on the new masks we made for each other. Now we end the lies of conceptualised realities we both told and in its place seek to grow redemption and resilience.

African Child

Dear Unoshamisa

It breaks my heart to see you like this, and my soul cries because of what you have become. There is no apology, no remark that could take your pain away right now and I crack at the sight of memories of who you used to be.

Never did I think it was possible that your bones would show through your shirt, never did I think it possible for your body to look as if it had gone through hell. I can’t take your pain away and we both know the bottle won’t either, and I know it seems quite hopeless right now making plans that might never see the light of day but Unoshamisa please don’t give up.

Your loss will be the death of me. And I know and understand that death has called for you but please don’t go out like this, please don’t let it take away everything you worked so hard for. It has come again for you by providing you with the one thing you wanted before you were to go to sleep.

I feel like I have failed you, I promised you that no matter what I would always have your back and I didn’t and I am so sorry. I ask that no matter what happens next, you may never look at me with contempt and hate. Don’t go angry at me please, I ask that you find a place in your heart to forgive me for failing you.

The plan was never to say goodbye to you but rather to build you up so much so that you see what I dreamt up for you. But I know we are past that point and I won’t hold you back by ignoring the issues at hand. You aren’t coping as well as you thought actually it’s probably as good as you anticipated. I don’t want to say goodbye to you but I will support you every step of the way, I will hold you up when your arms fail you and I will be there for you in those lightless nights, I will be there for you and if need be, I will be with you as you return to the dust from which you were made.

Dear Unoshamisa, I love you, I want you to know that even when your imperfections start showing on you, I will always look at you and see a hero whose heart for people was evident to everyone but him. I love you now and forever. Whatever you decide I am with you till the end…

African Child

 

To the EX I will never recognise.

It saddens me to think that this is the only other place in my life that I am willing to accept the role you occupied for a few months. I am sorry that I am too full of myself to let you be a part of the memories that made quite a few days memorable. Its because I can’t handle having to accept what I did to you. I can’t imagine a world where I take responsibility for breaking you into something you weren’t looking for. I am sorry that I kept quiet when I should have spoken out. I am sorry that for my own selfish desires, I told you I liked you when honestly I liked the situation.

I once told you that I asked to kiss you that first night not because I wanted to but merely because you were there and it felt as if it was something I had to do just to make sure I never wonder what if. I am sorry that I played with the very emotions I tod you to protect. I always alluded to the fact that you should leave me but never really had the guts to say it to you. Never had the guts to actually let you go. To a large extent, I guess I liked putting the weight of our relationship on you. I liked having you around to tell me the things I knew were true but had never heard out another human being before. I am sorry I stopped caring when those same words had no effect on me anymore.

I am sorry that I could never tell you how amazing you are, or how beautiful you are in the heat of day, but it was always easy to say in the dark of the night while we found ourselves in compromising positions. I was a boy who acted like a man because I couldn’t handle compromising for you. No, wait this is not the place to lie, I didn’t want to compromise for you. You did everything for me, went out of your way to see me and be around me and I returned that favour by basically not doing that.

See I could apologize a million times for what I did during our time together but it would all be pointless because the fact remains that we should have never been together, to begin with. I should have never invited you to come on that Saturday after Gala (only done by the way because I didn’t want to be alone). I should have never asked you to kiss you. I should have never let you come over on that Wednesday and most importantly I should have never sent you that message in December that led to January and that led us to this point right here.

My apologies mean nothing I know but it was important to me that hopefully one day, you would get to understand the man you dated for two months and had been seeing for four. He is far from perfect and he did you wrong and for that, this version willing to write this to you will never forgive him, I hope you will be able to.

African Child

Love Letter to love

Dear love, I hate you. Your non-existence has caused more pain than you will ever know and you seem not to care. I don’t know why you decided that I wasn’t worth your time. You never invited my heart to your Gatsby-like parties where joy and peace where the main entertainment. I hate how you watched me spill out the meaningless “I love you”, “I miss you”, “My heart will always be yours” nonsense to girls that will never speak to me again. You allowed my words to be meaningless when I was trying my best to speak you into existence.

Love, all you ever did for me was destroy the little belief I had in a better tomorrow. I have reached a point where I can’t see past the loneliness my heart is used to. Did I not, do I not deserve the same opportunity to feel as others apparently have. Why were you weaker than the pain that occupied the space that was reserved for you. See I hate that you left me to fend for myself in such a cruel cruel world and that you didn’t provide me with the same blindfold that would allow me to see the world as rainbows and sunshine. But do you really want to know what I truly hate, it is the fact that no matter how much I hate you if you were to knock on my door, I would open it for you.

African Child

When You Need Help

Hello world

Today I rediscovered the meaning of what is called “selective listening”. Now I am not the type to be open with everyone about my feelings but once in a while when I fall into desperate times I can’t help but let my feelings slip into a conversation.

Today I went to the arcade with some newfound acquaintances, dare I call them ‘friends’, and at the end of this adventure I was faced with two choices to either take the short route home or take the long one and I chose the long one. For one reason because I didn’t want to go home yet. So in the course of my conversation with two of my friends I did explicitly say that I wasn’t excited by the prospect of going home and though they heard me they really didn’t.

Selective listening is what we do to everyone who we speak to. When we are in a good mood, we chose to believe that everyone else is too and that means we ignore any calls for help from the other party. Today was not about them not giving me a chance to tell them how difficult the past few days have been but rather it was about them not simply asking if everything is okay.

I am not saying had they asked I would have told them what has been happening because Heck even I can’t explain to myself, I am just saying that it pained me to see what I had done to so many other people who I had spoken too, be done to me. So many times someone would say “things aren’t fine at home” or “I wish I had someone to talk to” and so many times I would just shrug them off instead of asking if they are okay.

I am not a shrink and I don’t expect everyone I talk to be one either but the help I am talking about is that one that comes from knowing that someone cares and even though they can’t do anything to change your situation, they are willing to give you an ear and let you cry if you need too.

Let’s not be selective listeners, people want the comfort from other human beings, let’s not leave our brothers and sisters out there to fend for themselves.
African Child 

What is happening right now????

They say if you know what is wrong with you then you are on now officially on the road to recovery. But how are the rest of us who can’t even begin to fathom what is wrong supposed to recover? Too many times in my life I have given myself the wrong diagnosis, only to find out that years later I still have the same problem because the road to recovery I had taken was not meant for me.

Its even more difficult to explain to people because of their inability to see what you are saying since you aren’t even explaining yourself properly and so what ends up happening is that they will agree with whatever conclusion you come up with, no matter how wrong it is. But maybe finally explaining it here to someone will allow me the answer I have waited so long for.

I find myself stuck, unable to move not because I am tied down no, simply my legs won’t move. My mind makes no effort to remind me of my responsibilities and the impending success that is within my reach I fail to grasp. Why am I not doing the one thing that will bring me all the money, power and respect I wish to have and this is not for me but rather for the next generation, for all the men and woman who shall come from me. Is it shame that repulses me but shame from what, from where. Is it a lack of confidence, it can’t be because I have done things that show so much confidence people would think me cocky. What is wrong with me, why won’t I move?

Perhaps, and this is actually the more logical diagnosis, nothing is wrong with me but I have just been given the mindset that something is. My areas of strength have been reversed to be made my supposed areas of weakness all in an effort to stop me from reaching my destiny. God gave me authority over everything on earth, and in order for me to not use my authority, I would have to believe in a lie. So now I make this declaration, Any thought that does not belong in my mind must leave, any attitudes given to me by past interactions with people and past interactions I say to you die at the root. No evil belongs in this body and nothing that wishes to stops me belongs in me because I have dominion and I use it now to start afresh and move forward with my life. I am successful, I am victorious and above all my dreams and aspirations in life shall come to pass.

African Child   

 

 

A New Beginning

Hello world

Today has left me feeling down in a way that I don’t understand. I lost someone today, no not too death but to life. To say we were something is a lie, we played a game of cat and mouse I thought she understood but apparently, it was only me who knew the rules of the game.

There are probably people out there who have lost friends they thought were forever but that wasn’t me. I am not and cannot be deceived by the notion of together forever, I am just simply to awake to the realities of this world to trap myself in moments of time I can’t get back.

Everyone I meet, I always ask myself what their role is in my life and what mine is in theirs. This helps me to ensure that I can be able to identify when I need to leave that relationship or vice versa when I need to bring them closer. So my poem today is a special one to me because of how it speaks volumes to what my experience was, with the person I lost. So world I want you live life to the fullest but always stay woke, always watch out for the signs of times and I promise you nothing will ever surprise you.

Seeing what had always been there
Leave, leave not my heart but my space. I see now the truth that hid itself in self-proclaimed moments of greatness that had shoes no one could fit in. It was always there, that silent whisper of an all-embracing conclusion that wined and dined with us through the hellos and goodbyes.
You see it too now I suppose, you see that we were a nothing that never existed. We were never a we. I still wonder if our chapter was done, did I open your eyes too early? Would it have been better for me to stay silent?

How selfish of me to think that, that you as another human being did not deserve to see a light that was never turned on. I thought you knew, oh man I thought you knew. It wasn’t a trick any of it, I thought you were playing along to a game where I got stronger, faster and better while you just stood there and watched me. It is the role you wanted was it not, you chose to not use me as much as I was using you.

I used you to fulfil fantasies long since forgotten but you gave me the power, the consent to make my thoughts a reality. Was it my fault that I used the opportunity presented to me, was it my fault that you choose to not see that I had always been in control.

I showed you didn’t I? I did, but for so long you choose not to see, not to see the brick that had been given to you to help you finish your house. I always you knew your role in my life, that it was a single grain of sand on a beach, a whisper of a moment gone by. Why did you choose to not see it?

African Child